the magical filing cabinet

So there's a secret filing cabinet in my office. It sits in the corner and is very hard to get into. But once you're in, its like magic! First of all this cabinet will grant you all of your hearts desires. Like the other day, I really wanted some Ritz crackers and a small lemur monkey. I went to the cabinet, and there was a small whitefaced simian, holding a box of crackers. I named the Lemur Sam, in honor of Sam Houston, Texas' famous statesman, and munched happily on the crackers.
How did I discover this cabinet, you might be wondering? Well, it was all a great accident. One day, I sitting at my desk, being unproductive as usual when I heard a small child's voice calling out "Eleanor! Eleanor!" Only knowing of one Eleanor in my life (Eleanor Roosevelt, the esteemed, yet sexually confusing wife of FDR), but also knowing that she was long dead, I thought very little of the strange sounds. Afterall, I hear much stranger things on a regular basis coming from my coworkers. The next day, again I heard the child's voice, this time calling out "Milicent!" And again, I ignored the voice. After a week or so of strange women's names being called out from the corner (seriously, I heard Joan, Roxanne, Stacey, and Earl?), finally I decided to investigate. As I approached the cabinet, the voice grew steadily louder and louder. The cabinet was vibrating in the corner, and an odd smell was emanating from it. Slowly, drawer by drawer, I opened the cabinet. The first two drawers yielded nothing but empty coke bottles and prison tags (obviously part of some failed pyramid scheme involving recycling and parolees)... but the bottom drawers, that's where the jackpot was! I opened them and was suddenly blinded by a bright green light. The next thing I knew, I was inside the cabinet, wandering through mazes of riches of every kind. Gold, silver, jewels, bunnies-they were all there. It was a magical Eden. Just then, a small fairy like creature appeared before me.
"Hello, my name is Rolanda (even though this was a magical land, it was still rooted in the Inland Empire, which as we know, is not known for its classiness), and I am the guardian of this land. You've been chosen to know about this magical land because of your pure heart and even purer nature... oh, and your super cute haircut! Whenever you are in need of a pick-me-up after a long day of data entry, you merely need to come to the cabinet and request your heart's desire. It shall be brought to you posthaste. You need only make a wish with your heart. Or you could write a check. We accept most major credit cards as well."
And that was all. I was back at my desk, as if it had never happened. Was it merely a dream? I wondered to myself. But just then a strange craving for an ice cream sandwich washed over me. I figured there was only one way to see if it really had been a dream. With slow steps I walked to the cabinet. "Ice cream sandwich" I thought over and over. I opened the bottom drawer, and there it was; the tastiest ice cream sandwich I had even seen! It was real!
And that's how I found out about the magical filing cabinet in my office. It's the best thing ever.

data entry or death?

Okay, so technically I've been at work for over an hour. Since I arrived, I've eaten Indian food, gone on a coffee run (unbeknownst to my bosses of course), and surfed the internet for a while. Oh, and I opened the file that I'm supposed to be working on. Notice how "open" has been the only verb in use, and not "typed" or various other work related verbs. I think I have senioritus, combined with a serious lack of desire to do my job. Now while I might complain about the general crappiness of my job in the land of data entry (apparently so much so that other people are using me for their own ends. Case in point, my friend Elaine used me to teach the vocab work "monotonous" to her students. "Alex's job doing data entry is so ____, she is very bored." Anyway.), but at least this job hasn't killed me (slowly sucking my soul, yes, but its not death inducing). Today I read about a Croatian farmer who was killed when the cow he was milking fell on him. How much would that suck? I guess data entry is better than death by cow. A little.

I know I've said this before...

but my life is the epitome of random. Case in point; this weekend.

As I was biking home yesterday, a branch fell off a tree (a huge branch! Like half of the tree, it made this huge crash and everything) for no reason. No one had cut it, there wasn't even any weather, just bam! tree branch down.

I went to the weirdest Aaron'd Brothers ever today! There were two people working, a tall crazy lady called Nebraska (thats what it said on her "hi, my name is... tag" no joke) and a very short (perhaps half her size) man named Jamey. As I stood there for about ten minutes waiting for some service I watched them sling verbal barbs to each other and act in very strange fashions towards the other customers. Needless to say, I do not recomend the Montclair Aaron's Brothers.

Today it rained in Claremont. But it was still hot the entire time.

I just found a crossowrd puzzle in my couch. Not only is that random, but it also speaks of just how cool I am. Most people find money that's fallen out of their pockets in their couch. Me? I find crossword puzzles...

I managed to drive past my exit today on the freeway. Not sure what I was thinking, but I drove completely past it, and didn't even realize until I almost passed the next one. Okay, so that's not so much random as it is just dumb, but whatever.

I was wearing my glasses not ten minutes ago, and now cannot find them to save my life. Seriosuly. I don't know what I did with them, I've looked all over the house, my glasses are totally missing.

So now its 10 on Sunday night, I'm listening to Gary Busey be crazy on the radio and am trying to prepare myself for the upcoming week. I'm almost certain that there will be much more randomness and weird things for me, only time will tell though...

This is how I always look hiking 

Night of the Living Al

So I've come to a conclusion. Well, actually two conclusions: I'm either pregnant or a zombie. These are the only conclusions that I've been able to come up with while sitting at my desk, feeling like crap. Either Yahweh (or whoever) wants me to carry the new Messiah (because that would be the only current explanation for a pregnant Al) or one of the walking dead bit me in my sleep. Of course, both theories have holes. While I do have some morning sickness symptons (nausea, tiredness, etc), I'm still a little too skeptical of that first immaculate conception to believe in a second one. Which brings me to conclusion #2. My coworkers might agree that I'm walking around the office barely alive, but I have no super powerful strength or the desire to gnaw on human flesh. Which, whenever I've imagined zombie life, I always thought would be part of it. Maybe it is just a headache afterall. Either way, its still Friday, and if there's anything to make me feel better, its the knowledge that this week is over. It hasn't been a bad a week, no real complaints, but this week has been a long one. And a hot one. So I'm definitly ready for some relaxation time this weekend. Maybe I'll even figure out this pregnant/zombie issue too...

I just took a cold shower, but not in a sexy way

You know that feeling of being warmed by the sun, perfectly content? Multiply that by 800,000 and would it still be happy feeling? No. It would not. How do I know? Because its July, and I'm living in Claremont. I'm aware that there are places that are hotter, or places that have worse climates (yes, I'm in Southern California, a state renowned for its great weather), but I don't care. Its 9:45 and its 85 degrees outside. I am not approving. Hopefully, I'll get to leave this literal hell on earth for a wee bit soon. Of course, I'll probably just go someplace thats just as hot, because thats how cool I am. I think the heat is frying my brain, so I'm going to go curl up in front of my fan and dream of the artic tundra. *Sigh*

The restrooms of my discontent

My restroom experiences of late I think sum up how my life is going. No, this is not going to be a gross post, describing bathroom activities; instead its about all the randomly strange things that keep happening in that sector. Last Thursday, I managed to leave my sunglasses in the teacher's restroom at Rialto Middle School, where I'm teaching this summer. I remembered where they were after our last session got out, and scampered back to said restroom only to find them missing. Now what's so upsetting about this? I left the glasses in the TEACHER'S restroom, where you need a key to get in. Only TEACHERS go in there (oh, and me, who is not a teacher technically, but for all intents and purposes, I am one this summer, so there). Therefore, it is logical to assume that a TEACHER took my glasses. I tried to give benefit of the doubt, etc., and think maybe whoever took them would bring them back today, but no. Such was not the case. The best part, though, is that these glasses are prescription, so they're only going benefit someone who is slightly far sighted in one eye, and nearsighted in the other. Oh, irony, you sassy lady. Anyway, I get to my other lovely job, only to spill my water bottle all over my lap, so it looks like I couldn't quite contain the thrill I get at the prospect of data entry. I attempted to rectify the situation in the WOMEN'S restroom, only to find no paper towels, but one of the seats up. Um, is someone not telling me something? Needless to say, restrooms and I are not on the best of terms at the moment. On the plus side, I managed to hack into one of the dudes upstairs music library, and now have lots of fun music to listen to as my lap dries, so that's something!

I obviously had too much guacamole today

I was going to write all about how I've been listening to 90s songs, and how I've been feeling all nostalgic for high school and middle school, what with certain songs giving me crazy memories and reminiscences--ohmygod, that Cardigan's song from Romeo + Juliet just came on, hi sophomore year math (see what I mean?)... but then I just felt lame. So instead I'm going to write about my trip to the fabulous Montclair Plaza, which once again reinforced my belief that a) malls are evil places and b) I am not a mall person. I had to go to the mall to return a gift and see about some frames for some of my posters, it was a choice made out of necessity, not desire. First of all, I was traveling by myself, which is apparently not proper mall etiquette. And then I wanted to get from one store to the other in a reasonable amount of time; strike two. But the nail in my mall going coffin had to be when I spied the GIANT Thomas Kincade display in one of the store windows. I can handle the wannabe punk kids roving around in acid washed packs from one hip store to another. I can make my peace with the conspicuous consumption that seems to be the standard for our fine country. Okay, wait, both of those statements are lies, but they don't compare to the pure evil that can be found in one of Kincade's canvases. That man has no soul. And it makes me sad.
The weekend is also over, another thing which makes me sad, because that means another week of hell is about to begin. I had three opportunities to go LA this weekend, and bailed on all of them. Yet, the weekend was surprisingly good. There was much silliness, complete with the utterances of "Self love is not always safe love" and "my Jesus is your jesus, you Catholic fuck." Neither of these statements were said by me, which just makes me appreciate my friends down in Claremont all the more. Good times, indeed. :)

this is probably a bad idea...

... because i'm in a totally shit mood. I'm hungry, I have a headache, and I am thoroughly disgusted with my current working situation. After being lulled into the belief that I could actually get away with doing next to nothing at this office, I'm finding myself having real work to do. Well, not so much real, as I am literally taking horizontal excel files and making them into vertical new ones. Or maybe that's the other way around. I don't know. I was told that I had until Friday to finish this lamest of lame tasks (just call me Sisyphus), but just now some random guy, who didn't even bother to introduce himself- hello? social graces? anyone? Could it be possible to treat me like a person? Yes, I'd say a nerve was touched... anyway. So yes, apparently I'm supposed to have the file-thingy done by today. Thanks. On top of that, I have other time-consuming-yet-not-bettering-the-world-in-any-fashion-whatsoever-work to do. So now I'm stressed out by the amount of work that I need to complete in a few hours. Of course the point could be made that my time might be better served actually doing said work. But like I said, I'm in a pissy mood, so therefore I don't want to. What I do want to do is eat something, because, sweet moses, but I am hungry! My stomach is literally eating itself. After I eat something, I would like to take a nap. For 12 hours. And then maybe I could read a book. Ahh, that would be nice.
Sorry this is such a lame entry, but as I'm convinced that I'm the only one who actually looks at this thing anway, I guess I only have to apologize to myself. And maybe this company, as I've taken things to a new level of being a bad employee. But I probably won't. Because like I said, I'm in a bad mood. So there.

Don't bother me, I'm looking important

Um, so yeah. The computer system is going wonky and I can't do my job, which directly involves the system that's not working. I suppose I could take the iniative and actually find something productive to do, but that would totally go against my principles so instead I plan on sitting here at me desk, giving off the vibe that I'm doing something so vitally important that the fate of the entire company rests on my activities. Which would be bad for this place if that were the truth. Its kind of weird to be here, although I was only gone for the weekend, it seems like forever ago that I was in my normal life, etc. I think that might have something to do with how packed this weekend was. I put over 1500 miles on my car in four days. I also saw one of my good friends get married, another of my friends get his ass grabbed at a gay bar, lots of stars and a talking lettuce.

Perhaps some explanations are needed. Liz's wedding was on Saturday- it was soo wonderful. She was the epitome of the glowing bride, the ceremony was lovely, reception was fun- all in all a pefect event. It was also super fun, because a couple of my UCDC friends were in town for said wedding, so we got to hang out and go out later in the evening as well. As it was a DC-esque reunion of sorts, the Depot (fun gay bar in Sac) was the place to go after the reception. The best part of the evening, by far, though was my old roommate Norman coming with us. Norman does not go to gay bars. Ever. But for some reason (I think he's getting really bored this summer), he decided to come out with us. So right after we got done telling him how gays bars really aren't this den of debauchery (for the most part) and that he totally would be left alone, Norman goes up to the bar to get a drink and this older man walks by and grabs his ass like no tomorrow! Hilarious. Norman to his credit took it all with aplomb, and I think had a pretty good time. It was great to hang out Christina and Joe, and catch up. The next day was full of adventure as well. After sleeping in til almost 8 am, I was having a nice time doing the Sunday crossowrd puzzle (my cool points are shooting through the roof) in the living room of the house that Paige was houseitting, when from out of nowhere (or I guess, technically outside) this bird starts flying spastically around above my head. I scream and duck, frozen with fear as the bird tries to escape both the house and the house- kitty-turned-feral-attack-cat. Finally, Josh came to rescue and got the bird out of the house (at this point, I was hiding in the bedroom, no joke). So scary! After that calming waffles were needed to restore balance to our systems. The rest of Sunday was spent experiencing the lovely town of Livermore and all its glories. :) Sleep, however was not one of them. Finally, on Monday I drove down to Salinas to pick up Lawrence and visit the awesome Steinbeck Musuem. Which was awesome. If you're 12. The best part, hands down though was the talking lettuce. There was an exhibit about Salinas: Valley to the World, which had an interactive activity for kids to vote on their favorite vegetable. So all these vegetable puppets gave campaign speeches on why they were the best vegetable. The lettuce was the "heart of the letuuce for the heart of America." Awesome is the only way to describe it. Its tied with Liz's wedding for the best moment of the weekend.

So now here I am, back at work, back in the real world, with mixed feelings. I'm happy to be back to normal life (although I could do without the mind-numbing data entry aspects), but there were some definite good things about being up North as well, which I'm sad to miss. The computer system is still down, but I think this post is beyond long, so I guess I'm going to have to find something else to look productive with. Is there anyway I can justfy sleeping in my car as necessary for the company?